Dear Dark Lord and Clan Killer
by moor
Summary: Parody/Satire. GWNI Prompt: Lord Voldemort and Uchiha Itachi write an advice column for The Daily Prophet. Rated 'M' for themes.
1. Chapter 1

We, The Daily Prophet, would like to thank our readers for their tremendous response to our newest advice column, written by two of your favourite love-to-hate-'ems, the former Lord Voldemort, Tom Riddle, and the assassin of the Uchiha clan, Uchiha Itachi. We'd also like to remind readers that these two are under a contract and do not reside or work in situ here at the Prophet's headquarters.

Let's get started with our first question of the week!

* * *

1\. Stain removal; _I recently dropped a rather expensive bottle of red wine on my wedding dress. It happened as I had put it on to lament the abandonment I felt over my husband's leaving me for a younger, prettier, thinner witch. I am constantly depressed and spend my days in bed, often not eating or returning my friends' concerned messages. What should I do?_

_-Loveless in London_

_**LV:**_ Obviously you have sub-par house elves. I would recommend a stiff bludgeoning by fire poker followed by a dunking in vinegar, and a reminder that they are on their last warning. If this does not suffice, I strongly recommend consulting a Death Eater. They are quite creative in developing 'quick fix incentive plans' to motivate house elves and disobedient Mudbloods alike.

_**IU:**_ Burn the dress. With Amaterasu, if possible. You have no use for it. Kill your ex-husband's family, they produced an inferior specimen.


	2. Chapter 2

2\. Unrequited love; _I recently returned to my village after half a decade's worth of bad decision-making. I feel slighted in spite of my attempts to regain my fellow villagers' confidence, and face an uphill battle to regain the trust of my former superiors. I am grateful for the help my friends, however I have realized that the one person who loved me unconditionally has somehow become the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with… and that I may have missed my chance with her. She's the world to me, and I want to rebuild my clan with her and show her how much she means to me, but she has been distant and distracted when I've tried to subtly bring up the fact I want to impregnate her immediately and chain her to my bed. What do you advise?_

_-Confused in Konoha_

**LV:** Honestly, it's like they don't teach you kids _Imperio_ at Hogwarts anymore. Stop complaining and get the chains. I also recommend you polish your Basilisk and take an Endurance &amp; Strengthening Potion Cocktail to ensure success. Make sure she bathes first, if she's a Mudblood.

**IU:** You are too late, foolish little brother. Coincidentally, no need for you to rush on rebuilding the clan.


	3. Chapter 3

3\. Wand maintenance; _Er, I've had some problems with my wand recently… Perhaps it's a confidence issue. But when I rely on it to make me… happy… it fails. I try to… cast… and there's a mild spark, but no follow-through. I can't get it to work and spurt off what it used to. It's just not satisfying. It's also causing problems between my wife and I. Is something wrong with me?_

_-Out of Sorts in Ottery-St-Catchpole_

**LV:** Obviously. Go see Ollivander and get that looked at. Be sure to bring your wand with you, he may want a look at it and see what you're doing wrong. Be prepared to do a few tricks with it, he'll put you through your paces and handle it like a master; he may put his hand over yours to show you proper use, to ensure you haven't developed any bad habits. Always remember to keep a firm grip, and to oil it regularly to prevent rubbing and chaffing. Relax if he asks you to do anything that may seem unconventional or uncomfortable. He's a professional and has seen thousands of wands in his lifetime; he'll whip your wand back into regimental shape again.

**IU:** Yes.


	4. Chapter 4

4\. Hair Care; _I recently found my lustrous, platinum locks are suffering from the damage incurred by inferior products provided to me in my current... place of residence. Monthly bathing is limited and contributing to the infernal duress, as are sub-par nourishment and the rats that live in my sleeping pallet. As visitors are few, far between, and cavity-searched upon arrival, how do you recommend maintaining one's genteel, purebred, follicular standards while incarcerated?_

_-Appalled in Azkaban_

**LV:** Your 'vain-mane' starting to complain, old friend? Ahem. I defer to my colleague in this matter. Coincidentally, I am testing the range of my long-distance AK. Do let me know if you suffer any minor abnormalities (for example, death) in the near future.

**IU:** If one is not blessed with naturally strong, resilient, healthy hair, one needs to take steps to establish a rigorous routine of self-care. This includes a diet rich in nutrients and proteins (nori, fruits and vegetables especially), drinking 6-8L of water per day, rinsing with fresh rainwater, and regular exercise. Also, Sephora offers an outstanding line of products under their Living Proof label; alternate every second day between the restorative and volume products, and condition heavily with Phyto conditioner at least once a week. Once a month, create a baking soda paste and use it to strip impurities and build-up from your hair that could otherwise leave it limp and lifeless. Reduce the risk of damage by limiting your product and heating implement use, and within 4-6 weeks you'll notice a well-managed, luxurious head full of hair will be yours for others to admire once more. Trim your split ends every 2-3 weeks to encourage optimal growth. When brushing, always remember to start at the bottom and work your way up, and resist the urge to 'twirl' your hair around your fingers; it is damaging to the roots. Wishing you much success in your noble efforts.

**LV:** ... _Ava—_


	5. Chapter 5

5\. Appreciation, not addiction; _I am struggling against a sexist cultural norm, and seek advice in how you would approach a resolution. While I am a very dedicated, competent, exceptional professional in my field, my colleagues and students do not respect my hobbies or opinions on literary matters. I have tried to share a wealth of knowledge and moving, romantic, epic, adventurous storytelling history with them, and they rebuff and criticise me publicly. As I am their former teacher, I feel I am due more respect. How can I reach them to make them understand and appreciate fine literature, instead of denigrating my personal pursuits? Also, it isn't an addiction. I can stop anytime._

_-Lost on the Road of Life_

**LV:** To begin, I, too, have been denigrated for my beliefs and hobbies. Few understand true genius like ours. Perhaps we could combine our mutual intellects and fashion a new regime under which our strengths and beliefs will flourish, providing a rise for a new social order where we will be appreciated and revered for our contributions and caste-based hierarchy of power! (I'll e-mail you my recruitment newsletter.)

**IU:** The books in the series are sold in shrink-wrap to prevent minors being corrupted before their age of majority, and with good reason. Think of the children. The village trains these exceptional youth to be assassins and cold-blooded killers, not perverts. You should be castrated for exposing others to such filth so casually. Coincidentally, Sakura is asking you to return the Super Special Illustrated Edition she leant you three months ago, you degenerate sensei.


	6. Chapter 6

6\. Falling for your best friend's girl; _Hi, uh, special guest here. My uncle referred me to your column; I included a coupon for his tea shop for you. It's the best tea in Ba Sing Se. So, I have this problem. I made some bad decisions in my youth, and worked hard to become a better person because of them. I joined a healthier social peer group, and several of them became very dear, close friends. Best friends. But while I'm in a great position of authority, my relationship just ended because I was conflicted over my feelings for someone else: my best friend's girl. She and I have a troubled past, we're polar opposites like fire and water, but after working through our issues, we came to really respect and care for each other. I know she isn't completely happy with him (my best friend), but he adores her, and while I don't want to be the cause of them breaking up, I really care about her and want more from our relationship. But I don't want to lose my best friend, because it could topple the balance of the world if he went all Avatar-state one everyone. Uh, help?_

_-Frustrated and flummoxed in the Fire Nation_

**LV: **Somehow, I don't see you having a problem with deceit and betrayal. He'll get over it.

**IU: **Delicacy is paramount. But do not take a page from my brother's book by waiting too long to make a decision. Speak to the girl directly and make your feelings known. If she rejects you, you have lost nothing. If she accepts you, it will be up to her to make her own decision on where she wants to have sex with you, be it her couch, over her desk, her kitchen counter, up against the back of her front door, on the rug in front of her fireplace, all over the back yard (screw the patrolling ANBU, you were on your day off), on her washing machine, back up against the wall again, or even her bed, after you've both accumulated third-degree friction burns. Bring a box of razor-bill turtle-ducks (not kunai) with you to give to your best friend when you break the news so he has a new creature to play with upon the announcement of the birth of your impending child.


	7. Chapter 7

7\. Young driver; _Do you have any advice for someone who's learning to drive?_

_-Anxious in Albuquerque_

**LV**: What is driving? Do you mean those Muggle automo...bilious? Just use a broom. You can play quidditch on a broom. Can't play quidditch with a… wheeled contraption. There's always apparition, port-key, levi corpus, and flying on one's own. Ludicrous question. 'Driving', pah!

**IU**: Do not crash the vehicle at high speeds; this demonstrates poor motor control and coordination.


	8. Chapter 8

8\. What is this career nonsense; _After choosing not to follow a madman and my family's racist traditions, I am now looking for a 'career' since I apparently didn't defect to the 'right' side of the War in a timely fashion to escape Reparations and the fascist torture of Community Service. While I am devilishly handsome, cunning, intelligent, confident and suave, it seems I cannot hire someone to have a job for me. This was specifically addressed by the Wizengamot after my several attempts to circumvent it. Bloody Granger and her MLE cronies. So, what is this 'job' and 'career' nonsense, and how do I avoid it?_

_Wilting in Wiltshire_

_PS: Your hair care tutorial was absolutely worth every gleaming Galleon Sephora sucked from my vaults. The compliments have been quite the ego boost in these dark times of… 'work' and 'responsibility'._

**LV: **Had you stood your ground and got over your pathetic, squeamish distaste for Unforgivables, you wouldn't be in this mess, would you?

**IU: **You are welcome.


	9. Chapter 9

9\. Losing my (patience with others over my) religion; _My ****ing colleagues are ****ing ***holes about my god-damned ****ing religion. Like, I offer to explain all this **** to them, and share it with their ungrateful, undeserving ****ing selves, and instead of showing some ****ing appreciation and self-sacrifice and ****ing respect, the ****ers ridiculed and demeaned my precious ****ing beliefs. And wouldn't sit still long enough for me to finish sacrificing their ****ing sacrilegious ***es for Jashin. How do you suggest I entrap them to suck their worthless ****ing souls from their soon-to-be ****ing discarded carcasses in honour of blessed Jashin?_

_-Hidan, Devoutest Follower of the Most Beatific Jashin_

_**The Prophet**_ **would like to add a note that this entry was censored out of respect for our more sensitive readers. - TDP**

**LV:** You seem to have missed the intention of this column being anonymous for your privacy… or completely disregarded it, assuming it does not apply to you. Similar to your friends and their regard for your religion. Perhaps your colleagues do not appreciate your direct approach. I suggest you attempt subtlety; sometimes the strongest allies are the ones who do not realize they are your allies until you show them how much you have in common, and how they can benefit from your guidance and beliefs if you bind together, forming a brotherhood, swearing oaths of fealty to me—I mean, together. I recommend subscribing to my newsletter; we always discuss recruitment at length, and how to align others to our, sometimes alternative, ideologies. I'll e-mail you.

**IU:** You're a blot against the shroud of humanity, and your beliefs are perverted from the true teachings of your religion. Look inside yourself and find something positive to share; others will thank you for it. Others will also find you less offensive and repulsive if you mind your tone of language. When you can hold a civil conversation, you may find others more willing to listen to you. And consider bathing more; the less you smell like your rotting sacrifices, the less repulsive you come across.


	10. Chapter 10

10\. Mixed Signals; _This may be a longer missive than you're accustomed to addressing. I'm writing to you a second time, to follow-up on my progress following your divergent suggestions. Your advice was conflicting, so I tried both at the same time, for optimal results._

_It has taken a number of days for my arms to be reattached and to heal, however I am now able to hold a pen and kunai again in order to ask for more help, as difficult as that is for me to accept. The chains (and potions, as you suggested) went over fairly well when I tried to explain we were engaging in a team-building training exercise, and we were taking our time (not rushing, just like you said). Unfortunately it took a downturn when I burned our clothes with a traditional honeymoon katon-jutsu and explained it was bridal training and baby-building (adding another member to our team via carnal relations still counts as team-'building', I'm sure you'd agree), and that she was now perfectly positioned (spread-eagled, in fact) for the introductory stages of rebuilding my clan. _

_At this time, I'd like to take a moment and officially apologize to the villagers who reside within seven kilometres of the training grounds. It was neither a kaiju, nor another juubi attack. I had no idea that our activities would cause that much seismic activity. Well, by 'our', I mean 'her'. She is glorious when she's, uh, motivated, it seems. Very motivated. Homicidally, really. Even with the Sharingan, things got a little close, unfortunately not in the manner I'd intended._

_I do not remember all the details, but it seems my intended did not appreciate my show of ardour. Once my spine's regrown and re-aligned, I'd like to speak to her again to try and get her to see my point of view, and understand how perfect she is for the role I need her to fulfil, preferably daily, voluntarily, and vigorously. She will help me re-establish my clan. She just needs a bit more persuasion. Could you please advise?_

_-Bruised and Battered in Konoha_

**DL: **So proud of you taking control of the situation and being clear with your intended. I'm sure she will come around once you continue with your campaign to harness her power—I mean, woo the object of your affection. If she needs some devotional direction, I am happy to send you one of my most faithful followers to talk sense to her. Though I recommend you do not mention the blood-status of your intended to my dear Bella. She can be a bit… overzealous. Best of luck, please keep us updated on your progress.

**IU:** … We will be discussing this matter very privately, very shortly, my foolish little brother. Be prepared.


	11. Chapter 11

11\. Wrackspurts; _Do either of you find a noticeable difference in the number of wrackspurts during a full or gibbous moon? Asking for a friend. Actually, just asking for myself. Do you like my socks?_

_-Lovely Night We're Having in Luna Sea_

**LV:** … My employers have informed me I am contractually obligated to answer you. No.

**IU:** Not that I have noticed, Sharingan-enhanced vision or not. I'm sure your socks are perfectly serviceable.


	12. Chapter 12

12\. Foul omens; _Death! Death and suffering! I have seen it with my own eyes and can vouch it is coming to touch you, both of you, either of you, but probably both of you, within your lifetimes or possibly sooner. Ensure you stray not into darkness, for your chance of survival will be greatly reduced or possibly increased, though the design of my tea leaves is quite clear that you will face… something._

_—Errant in—..._ **(Unfortunately, this portion of the submission was torn, illegible and covered in mashed carrots. —TDP)**

**LV:** Good gods, woman, who released you from the Janus Thickey Ward? You had one job. The thestral is dead. Stop beating it.

**IU: (The Prophet regrets to inform its devoted readers that due to unforeseen circumstances, regular correspondent Itachi Uchiha is unavailable for comment this week. In his place, please welcome, Rock Lee. —TDP)**

**RL:** YOUR WARNING COMES AT A FORTUITOUS TIME IN MY YOUTH. I WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT, FEAR NOT MY NUTTY FAIR FRUITCAKE, I WILL PRESERVE PEACE, LOVE, JUSTICE, AND THE YOUTHFUL WAY WITH MY BURSTING EMOTIONS AND RELENTLESS URGES TO OVERCOME ANY SUCH DARKNESS THAT MAY DARE TREAD UPON THE SACRED SUNNY SOIL OF THE SPOILS OF SPLENDOR THAT OUR GRACIOUS LIVES BESTOW UPON US. JOIN ME, NOW, IN A CELEBRATORY MARATHON TO COUNT OUR BLESSINGS FOR THIS WONDROUS CHALLENGE! I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU WHEN I SWIM ACROSS THE CHANNEL IN MID-WINTER TO OFFER YOU MY SINCEREST THANKS AND GUIDANCE, AND PROTECTION, SHOULD YOU NEED IT. PEACE, GREAT BLOSSOM OF IGNORANCE AND FOREBODING, I BID YOU PEACE AND YOUTHFUL, SPRY LOVE!


	13. Chapter 13

13\. At night in the vale; _Like, I hope you can help me. I seem to have gotten lost in this strange town I'm visiting with my dog, man. The radio station's not too bad, but it gets a bit weird sometimes. Anyway, I am trying to make sense of the guide book I took out from the library, but, like, the library isn't there anymore, and I don't understand why no one's allowed to take their dogs to the dog park. Not that my dog's the type to play in a dog park, he likes to eat snacks mostly, but still. Zoiks! I keep seeing these hooded figures there (I thought I'd hazard an inquiry your way, I hear hooded figures are a particular specialty of yours). Also, why are the hooded figures baby-snatching? Why doesn't anyone stop that? That's a pretty dick move, baby-snatching, ya know. Also, like, why are the hooded guys mandated to eat at Big Rico's Pizza? Like, it's the only pizza joint left in this town. (This town is really odd, I'm telling ya). Where else are they supposed to eat? And why doesn't anyone else serve food here? My poor stomach's going concave, man! Any suggestions for how to get a hungry, lost wanderer and his faithful pal home?_

—_Missing the Mystery Machine in a ghost town_

**LV: **Assembling without their master present? Those fools! I assure you this is not an organized, ordained occurrence. Thank you for bringing it to my attention, I will sort it out immediately.

**IU:** Indeed, this does sound… unfortunate. No dango shops, either? Hn. Kindly keep your strange occurrences away from my fiancée. I will be most displeased if any baby-snatching follows you from your location to Konoha. **Most. Displeased.**


	14. Chapter 14

14\. Anonymous kunai; _Hey, I think I received a package that was meant for someone else. It contains a package of kunai and a note that says I (or the recipient) need to work on my speed. There's also something in here about the recipient becoming an uncle in a few months. But no one in my family is expecting, so I'm a little stumped. It closes with, 'you're too slow, foolish little brother'. Since it was sent anonymously, I'm not sure how to return it. Do you think you could give this a signal boost? Hopefully the sender receives this message and can come collect this package from me. We have enough weird shit going on in our building at the moment. Like, the other week, that Uchiha kid who lives down the road just kept screaming for no reason. But when someone went to check on him, there was no one there. He was just lying on the ground, stuck in a crazy genjutsu, mumbling to himself about never being able to compare to his older brother. Anyway, I hope you have a nice afternoon. Thank you for your help._

—_Awkward Outside the Uchiha District (Refurbished Section)_

**LV:** **(The Prophet regrets to inform its devoted readers that due to unforeseen circumstances, regular correspondent Tom Riddle, AKA Lord Voldemort, is unavailable for comment this week. And has gone missing. Without permission. Which is a serious breach of his employment contract and the public's trust, we'd like to remind him. We'd also like to request the populace remain calm, as the MLE have already been notified and are in pursuit. In his place, please welcome, Dobby The Free Elf. —TDP)**

**DTFE: **Oh, Dobby is so excited to be of service to you! Dobby will rush over right away, and Dobby is very happy to help you with your package, and Dobby will also tidy the shoes in the front entrance, and sweep the floors, and freshen and iron the bed sheets, and wash the windows, and re-paper the walls, and...

**IU: **This issue has been resolved. Your discretion is appreciated and understood. No further action is required.

**DTFE: **But! But Dobby hadn't visited, yet!

**IU:** Resolved.


End file.
